We have come to the last sermon in the series 40 days of Relationships. Over the last six weeks we have looked at different aspects of love. Love being the most important factor in life. Love is kind, it is patient, it is humble. We have looked at how love does not envy and we have looked at how it is the key to life.
This morning we are going to look at the ultimate test of love. The ultimate test of love is when somebody hurts us. How do we respond? Do we have a grudge? Do we get resentful? Do we get full of bitterness? How do we handle when somebody hurts us?
The bible says in 1 Cor 13:5 ‘Love keeps no record of wrongs.’ In other words love does not store up hurt, does not keep a grudge, does not keep score, does not keep a record of wrongs. I wonder if any of us do that. I know there have been occasions when I have. Sometimes we will keep a record of wrongs so we have ammunition when others hurt us, we can hurt them back. The Bible says love does not do that. Forgiveness may be the single most difficult act of love above all the other things we have talked about in this series.
There is a lot of wrong thinking about forgiveness. A lot of myths, a lot of misconceptions and because of this forgiveness gets watered down, abused, cheapened. If you study the Bible and read what Jesus says, you will discover that TRUE forgiveness is doing the complete opposite to what our emotions, our thinking and possibly what other people are telling us.
Forgiveness is NOT conditional. It is NOT based on somebody else’s response, it CANNOT be earned, it is NOT deserved, it CANNOT be bargained for, is NOT based on some promise that you will never do it again. If you say to someone “I will forgive you if….” That is not forgiveness. That is called bargaining. “I forgive you if…” is not forgiveness at all. Genuine forgiveness is UNCONDITIONAL. What if Jesus had said when He prayed, “Father forgive them if they ask for it.” The truth is that none of us asked for it when Jesus prayed on the cross. “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.” Genuine forgiveness is UNCONDITIONAL. It is freely given and is offered whether it is ever asked for or not. It is given without question.
Forgiveness is not about minimising the seriousness of the offense. It is not saying, “Oh, that’s ok, it’s no big deal, it didn’t really hurt me,” or if somebody tries to ask forgiveness, you say. ‘Don’t worry about it.” That is not forgiveness. Why because there is a difference between being wounded and being wronged. Those are two very different things. Being wounded is something that is accidental, somebody hurts us accidentally. When we are wounded, that does not require forgiveness, we are hurt unintentionally all the time. We just need patience and acceptance at that. But when we are wronged, when other people wrong us, that requires forgiveness. When we minimise a wrong, either our own or somebody else’s, we are cheapening forgiveness.
Forgiveness does not mean resuming a relationship without changes. This is one of the most misunderstood concepts about forgiveness. Forgiveness is not the same as restoring a relationship. Some people are afraid to forgive because they are afraid that they are going to have to go back with that person, they have to resume the relationship as it was before. No, restoring relationship and forgiveness are two different things. Forgiveness is instant and trust must be built over a long period of time. Forgiveness takes care of the damage done. It lets the person off the hook, we let them go but it does not guarantee that the relationship will be restored instantly – it can do – but nine times out of ten it will take some time and some changes. Forgiveness is our part in the reconciliation, when we forgive the offender. But for a relationship to be restored, the offender has to do three other things that are totally unrelated to forgiveness. Firstly, they must demonstrate genuine repentance. They have to show that they are genuinely sorry and that means a change in their lifestyle. Secondly, they have to make restitution whenever possible for the damage done. And thirdly, the offender must rebuild our trust by proving they have changed over time. If a person repeatedly wrongs us over and over, we are obligated by God to forgive that person over and over again. But we are not obligated to trust that person or instantly restore the relationship. It takes more than forgiveness to build a relationship. It takes trust and trust is built over time.
Forgiveness does not forget what happened. Some people have been afraid to forgive somebody who hurt them because they do not want to forget. We have all heard the cliché “Forgive and forget.” The only problem is that it is impossible to do. It’s foolish and illogical. When we are trying to forget something, what are we focusing on? The very thing we want to forget and whatever you focus on, you tend to move towards. Our brains stores every single memory we have ever had and if doctors were to open up our brains and take a probe and stimulate a certain part, they can bring back every single memory we ever had in vivid colour. Our brains do not forget anything. It can be pushed down from trauma and repressed into the deep recesses of our minds but we really ever forget anything. The only way to forget something is to replace it.
But there is something better than forgetting and this will take us to a new level of spiritual maturity. It requires us to remember and realise that God can bring good even out of bad things that happen to us. Romans 8:28 talks about how all things are not good – in fact, there is a lot of bad in the world. But all things work together for good. This is the difference between forgetting and letting go. We remember it, but we let it go. The Bible talks about letting go of the pain, letting go of the hurt, of the resentment, bitterness, not holding onto it. But that is not forgetting because we will never forget.
Forgiveness is not our right when we are not the one that was hurt. Only the victim has the right to forgive. We can not forgive people that have not hurt us. This is shallow, faulty, forgiveness. It is not our place. We can only forgive those who have hurt us and others can only forgive those who have hurt them. It is meaningless to short circuit. And there is always a cost to sin and there is always a cost to forgiveness and that it why we have to let go and we have to reach out to the offender.
Real forgiveness is relinquishing our right to get even. We do not seek revenge. We do not want to fall into the bitterness trap and we do not want to hold onto resentment We may think that’s unfair. Was it fair for Jesus Christ to forgive everything we have ever done wrong and let us go scott free? No. We always want justice for somebody else, and we all want forgiveness for ourselves. When it comes to somebody else, it’s not fair but we do not want God to be fair to us, we want God to be gracious to us. And remember that resentment and bitterness can be passed down from generation to generation. We don’t just make ourselves miserable we make everybody else around us miserable too. It is a worthless emotion so we will relinquish our right to get even.
Real forgiveness responds to evil with good. How do we know they we have genuinely forgiven somebody? When we can pray a blessing for them! When we pray we also understand their hurt, see their hurt. When people are hurting inside, they take it out on others. When we learn to forgive we start to understand why they acted in such evil, selfish, hurtful or abusive ways. We can pray for them and pray for God to bless them.
Real forgiveness is never or rarely a one-time event. Forgiveness goes on and on and on. How often do we have to do this? How often do we have to keep blessing them when they do evil? Until the pains stops, until we stop feeling the hurt. And then we will know we have forgiven them. Peter asked Jesus, ‘Lord how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?’ ‘No’, Jesus replied, ‘Seventy times seven.’ (Matthew 18:21-22. In other words to infinity and beyond! Just keep on doing it. Every time we remember the hurt, we make a wilful choice in our minds and say ‘God they really hurt me and it still hurts but I am choosing because I want to be filled with love and not resentment to bless them. God I pray that you will bless them and should your grace to them as you have to me’. We keep on doing it until we know we have released them.
There are times when we will struggle with forgiving someone. We have made a decision to do so but we can’t get the words out for one reason or another. That’s the time we seek the help from someone we trust or the clergy. Someone who will walk with us to the cross.
We were forgiven not because we deserved or earned it, because we promised never to do it again but because we have put our faith in Jesus Christ and because we want to become more like Jesus.
Over the last seven weeks we have listened to the sermons, spent time with the daily readings, been part of a cell group and maybe visited St. Paul’s on a Sunday Evening for more input. We have learnt that we need to be loving, kind, patient, forgiving and when we do these we start a transformation in ourselves and others. Colossians 3:15-17 tells us we should let the peace of Christ rule in our Hearts, shape our minds and determine our actions.
What is ruling our hearts right now? Is it guilt, greed or grace? What is shaping our minds? Is it the Times or Telegraph Editor, BBC controller, work, pornography or is it the Word of God? We are what we eat and what we fill our minds with. If we want to be wise we will let the Word of God dwell in us richly. Apparently, there is a book, in which there is a prayer for everything we do from waking, worrying, sleep, household tasks, relationships, driving – endless prayers for everything. We get up and do things without always including Jesus. When was the last time we said ‘I do this in the Name of Jesus?’
How can we have the peace of Christ ruling in our hearts. By continuing to confess our sins and repent, by reading the Bible daily, by joining in a service or two and having fellowship with other Christians. Just as being in the company of an angry person can breed bitterness, so too can fellowship with loving people breed love and forgiveness. Give Jesus the day ahead and ask Him to be part of that.
How can the Word of Christ shape our mind? By reading, studying, memorising, meditating and applying God’s word and making it our highest daily priority. Why must we do this because “All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness so that all God’s people may be thoroughly equipped for every good work’ (2 Tim 3:16).
Let the Name of Christ determine your actions. By doing everything in Jesus’ Name. Paul is saying act consistently with Jesus’ character – act the same way Jesus would do if he were in our place. In Matthew 2:.20 Jesus said to his friends, ‘I am with you always’. He is indeed here, with us, in us, right now. The heart of spiritual life is to do everything with Jesus, in his name – the way He would do it in our place – knowing He is actually present. What would happen if we were to spend an entire day doing everything in Jesus’ name? Let’s start this morning. Amen
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